Working things out day by day, we move forward into the unknown.

Led by the glowing wicker bedside lamp, I find my spot under the covers, clutching my William Stafford book for safety. Oatie's whining, trying to crawl in bed with us. He skitters to my side of the bed whimpering and squeaking. Picking him up is like trying to grasp a fish. He's all wiggly and legs going every direction. Somehow I land him on the bed and he digs under the covers to lick my leg before he casts off this world for the inner world of dogs.

We lay in the shadows. Quiet at night, I'm always happy to sleep next to Justin. It's the best time of the day - resting and letting the days' worries slip away. He's always good about bringing up the things I'm too scared to talk about. The old Czech-German-Norwegian lady in me is not always the best at direct communication. Stoic is not the best way to approach a relationship. 

He says, "Sometimes I feel like my life is a top spinning out of control." I said mine looks the same. But together we make sense. He wants to plan where the future goes. I think we are fine just going day to day and following the path as it's laid out in front of us, keeping our eyes and hearts open to the direction we're being led. Believing in the world and our abilities to deal with what is handed to us will lead us forward into the future. I trust in us.

Alternate realities

Screaming inside
We get nowhere.
Talking in circles
Pipe dreams of
What family is.
Dreaming that
They will suddenly turn into
The TV mom and dad and grandparents
Who take care of you
And your kids
And make cookies
And support you.

It's fine to have a rosy memory
Of childhood.
But to live in the past
Is dangerous.
To be stuck in your ways
Is death.

I wonder sometimes
If we are on the same path
But walking alone.
We plan things
Separately.
Kind of together
But not really.

Sometimes I feel like running
Like I am trapped
And can't make a choice
No discussions.
They lead to a dead end.

In the moment
Everything is good.
In the moment
Nothing is wrong.

I don't know how it will go forward.
I don't know how we will figure it out.
I am hoping we can.

I wish someone could tell me how to do it.

Sunshine Morning Commute

Rolling down Going Street
Headed downtown
Past road construction & the green recycling truck
Weaving across commuter lanes
Holding the apron strings of the cyclist in front of me.
I take the sidewalk- a truck blocked my bike lane.
The girl behind me follows.
I feel happy inside leading us to safety.
Crossing the Broadway Bridge, I drop into the Pearl.
A few more blocks and I'm under the 405.
[Stop and check map]
I'm one block from my destination-
A meeting of cycling ladies in Portland.
I feel simultaneously nervous & right at home.
I have arrived.

Throwback- Mayan Chocolate Cupcakes

I made these for Carrie's birthday (April 12) and they were deeee-lish.

If you would like to have a happy party on your tongue, whip these up and feed your fancy!

[not my picture-- I forgot to take one!]

Mayan Chocolate Cupcakes with Cinnamon Cream Cheese Frosting

Makes 18-20
For the cupcakes:
1 stick of butter, softened slightly
1 cup brown sugar, packed
1/2 cup white sugar
1 egg
1 cup buttermilk
1 tsp vanilla

1/2 tsp almond extract

3/4 cup cocoa powder (natural, non-Dutched)
1 1/2 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt

2 tsp cinnamon

For the frosting: (THIS is just to cover the top normally, double it if you want to pipe an insane amount on top of the cupcakes)
1 – 8oz bar of cream cheese (low fat is fine), at room temp
1 sticks of salted butter, softened slightly
1-2 cups powdered sugar

1-2 tsp cinnamon

1+ tsp vanilla

1.) Preheat oven to 325°. In a large bowl, cream together butter, brown sugar, and white sugar until well-combined. Add egg, almond extract and vanilla; mix until combined.

2.) In separate bowl, whisk together cocoa powder, flour, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon. Alternate adding dry ingredients and buttermilk to wet ingredients, mixing until just combined after each addition- beginning and ending with the dry ingredients (approx three additions of dry ingredients, and two additions of buttermilk).

3.) Line muffin tin with cupcake liners, and fill 2/3 of the way (I like to use a 4T scoop for cupcakes – it gives you a perfect, even amount every time). Bake for 18-20 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of one of the cupcakes comes out with just a few moist crumbs on it.

4.) While cupcakes are cooling, mix up frosting using a hand mixer or stand mixer. You can add more powdered sugar or cinnamon if you don’t think it’s sweet or cinnamon-y enough.

5.) Once the cupcakes have completely and totally cooled (45 minutes to an hour), frost them! You can use a piping bag and tip to make fancy swirls of frosting, or just slap the frosting on them with a good old butter knife. They are delicious either way! 

Run Happy. Run Forever.

‘Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.’ ~Lao Tzu

Last night was the Starlight Run. Established 1979. It's a 5km fun run (lots of costumes) before the annual Starlight Parade, which is a night parade of lighted floats and bands. For me, it was Girls on the Run, part two.

Truthfully, I have my doubts about the Girls on the Run program. (It's a program for girls ages 8-10 to run their first 5k.) I worry that it's emphasizing competition and organized sports to girls at too young of an age. I worry that it will create thoughts about body image and abilities. I had a hard time understanding what the point of running with a stranger was. Why not mom or dad?

Well, not all moms and dads can complete a 5k race. And this one is about female mentors, not male, so dads are out. Not all are available to do it with other kids around. Sometimes it's good to have other role models as well. I can't say that I still don't question the body image problems. I still can't say I think the program is a good idea overall but it was a good experience.

We met up at the field in downtown Portland at 7pm- a slew of costumed folk and pink shirts. 7,500 total runners with Girls on the Run as the largest sub-group. The race was off. I'm not even sure if it was timed. Which is a good thing.

Greta and I took off jogging at the start. She likes to sprint but I tried to keep her a little slower so we could jog longer. At the practice run we had to walk after mile one. Yesterday we had a good pace. We were hooting and hollering and slapping people's hands along the side of the road. Leaping through the air, skipping. Winning nothing but having a great time. Passing Powell's Books, she said, "I love Powell's! I love books." Towards the end we had to walk a bit. But as we neared the finish line, Greta took off like a bolt of lightning sprinting toward the finish line.

I hope Greta had a good time and felt like she was a strong girl. At the end of the night, I was really happy for myself that I'd done it. That I was reminded how much I love running. How it should be about having fun. Not winning. And that is what life is all about too.